How can I help my child make friends before they start school? Advice from a mum of five
As a mum of five children, I can tell you one thing straight away: starting school is a huge milestone, but every child walks through those school gates with a different set of skills, experiences and confidence levels. Some children arrive knowing how to introduce themselves, share toys and chat to everyone. Others cling to their parent’s leg, hide behind them, or take weeks before they feel comfortable. Both are completely normal. Schools in the UK understand this. Reception teachers see hundreds of children start Year R, and they know that children develop at different speeds. Your child does not need to be “perfect” before they start school.
One of the best things you can do before school starts is simply give your child opportunities to be around other children. This does not mean they need a big friendship group or a diary full of playdates. A trip to the park, a toddler group, a library session, swimming lessons, or playing with cousins can all help. The aim is not to make your child “school ready” by forcing social situations, but to gently help them get used to being around others, taking turns, and joining in. Even watching other children play is learning.
Many new mums worry that their child needs to already have a “best friend” before starting Reception. They really don’t. Lots of children meet their first proper school friends after they start. Reception teachers spend a lot of time helping children settle in, learn each other’s names, play together and understand classroom routines. Friendships at four years old can change quickly. A child who is inseparable from someone in September may have a completely different friendship group by Christmas, and that is perfectly normal.
You can help your child by practising simple social skills at home. Things like saying “hello”, asking “Can I play?”, saying “stop please” if something feels uncomfortable, and learning to wait for a turn are all useful. You can practise through role play with toys: “What could Teddy say if he wants to join the game?” or “What can Bunny do if someone says no?” These little conversations build confidence without making friendship feel like a test.
UK schools and the Early Years Foundation Stage (EYFS) look at children’s development in a broad way when they start Reception. They are interested in the whole child, not just whether they can read or write. Teachers will be looking at areas such as how your child communicates, how they manage feelings, whether they can take part in activities, how they play with others, their independence, and how they approach learning. They will spend time getting to know your child rather than expecting them to arrive already knowing everything.
In everyday terms, a child starting Year R may be encouraged to develop skills such as listening to others, following simple instructions, joining in with group activities, sharing resources, taking turns, asking for help, and beginning to solve small problems with friends. They may practise putting on their coat, using the toilet independently, opening their lunchbox, looking after their belongings, washing their hands and managing their own needs. These things are important because they help children feel confident and capable at school.
The government’s Early Years expectations also include communication and language, physical development, literacy, maths, understanding the world, and expressive arts. In Reception, children are introduced to phonics, early reading, writing, numbers, patterns, shapes, creative activities and exploring the world around them. But please remember: these are areas children work towards. They are not a checklist that every four-year-old must tick off before their first day. Some children will know letters and sounds already; others will learn them at school. Some will count confidently; others will still be building those skills.
Please do not compare your child to another child. It is so easy to hear another parent say, “Mine can already read,” or “Mine has been going to nursery since they were one,” and suddenly worry that your child is behind. Children are not on a race track. A child who is quiet may be carefully watching and learning. A child who struggles with sharing may simply need more practice. A child who cannot sit still may still be full of curiosity and creativity. Development is not a straight line.
As a mum, I would focus less on teaching your child everything and more on building their confidence. Read stories together, talk about what you see on walks, let them help with simple jobs at home, encourage them to try things for themselves, and show them that mistakes are part of learning. A child who feels loved, safe and confident will be much more ready to learn than a child who feels pressured to perform.
Finally, to all the new mums worrying about school: your child does not need to walk into Reception knowing exactly what to do. They need to walk in knowing they are loved, supported and able to try. The teachers are there to teach them, guide them and help them grow. Some children settle in on day one; some take weeks or months. Some make friends quickly; some take their time. There is no “right” way to start school. Your job is not to create a perfect school child — your job is to help your child feel safe enough to become themselves.